Driving in Mumbai

I am writing this post in anger, without thinking over it, yea because I read the first 3 pages of this book where it says anger creates conflicts and that makes everything interesting. The book is written by that bald guy, what’s his name? Osho, on second thought he wasn’t bald was he?  ..Anyway, who cares?  So this is about driving a vehicle in Mumbai. Let me give you a little background information. I and a friend of mine decide that we will go to Bandra over the weekend, instead of sleeping at our respective homes respectably. See, first of all, I stay in this suburban neighborhood in Mumbai, called Mulund. I know, living in this side of Mumbai is just excruciatingly uncool according to all the wannabe losers, even those who bloody stay in Bhiwandi or some shit. When my parents and I came to Mumbai about 15 years ago, apparently they had an option to stay either in Bandra or in Mulund; they chose Mulund because Kendriya Vidhyalaya was nearer. But I always had a feeling they chose Mulund because it’s got loads of my clan, Tambrahms of course.  Honestly speaking, I love Mulund, I love my home to be more precise, my home has a lot of space, it’s got a nice view of  green mountains and no roads visible, basically , nothing like the real Mumbai. So all the wannabes can go and stay in pigeon holes in Bandra and South Mumbai. Let’s get real, the infrastructure is equally sad all over the city, so it doesn’t matter where the heck you stay. Unless you are from bollywood or have Ambani as you last name, or maybe have some profitable business running out there, you have no business to flock in Mumbai in the first place. I actually suggest, everyone including the Thakres to move out of the city. You know where Thakres should go.. To Madras.. It’s still not reached its explosive state like Mumbai. I know I am sounding like I hate the city, I don't know man…I love it too...it’s like any other relationship : I hate you (like I love you). Yeah...That song was in Delhi Belly ….ok let’s not talk about Delhi now... Coming to the point , driving to Bandra includes passing another damned place called Powai , getting stuck in traffic in Powai is a life altering experience , it’s like a dementors kiss.  What I can never get over is the fact that: 1) There is a temple in the middle of the road  2) There are a bunch of cows lounging and munching on plastic  3) Earthmovers like huge cranes and road rollers also climb the steep slope and are competing with you, the drivers of these things have the balls to cut you and speed ahead , or just stop it diagonally and go for chai ,vadapav and Gutka maybe, or try to bloody take a u-turn! Ok, so you pass this stage, by this time your feet are genetically altered to be upright like a ballerina to alternate between the clutch and break. Next comes the dangerous terrain, the extreme sport of driving through the patch full of craters, some are covered by a haphazardly placed sheet of metal , for your convenience .. But...But...But… if you miss the right angle and judgment to drive over the metal cover, there is a danger of you falling into ‘paataal’ where raavan will embrace you. So this is the turning from SEEPZ to MIDC road. In any case, what’s with the honking people? Why do u honk n honk n honk as if you were getting a high out of it? Once I was so pissed off that I swithced off my car , pulled the keys out and got out of my car and asked the guy what was his probelm in life. He gave me THE smile , the most blissful face I had ever seen. I have termed this phenomena “horngasm”.   Anyway, we reached Bandra. We got into a conversation,  Friend (Sitting in the passenger seat for the past 2 hours) : “I love driving”   I felt it would be best if I didn’t comment, because I was thinking more in the lines of “abe teri toh aisi ki taisi ...” Like, Its acceptable if you said you don’t ‘mind’ driving in Mumbai, but ‘love’ driving? Dude...don’t shit me ok? No one can enjoy driving in these roads yaar! At the very same moment, we saw black Lamborghini zoom past us and suddenly brake behind a scooter.  Me:”like, why on earth would you drive such a car in Mumbai? How can you possibly feel nice about accelerating for precisely 5 seconds before you break behind a fat uncle driving a Bajaj chetak at 15 kmph? “ Friend:  “I would love it! I would totally like to speed in every gap I get before breaking” Me: “so you mean to say, you would not mind driving a Lamborghini, even if it is say..dadar vegetable market?!” Friend: “yes why not!! “ He should have stopped at this, but he felt it is necessary to add... “….maybe it’s a guy thing” Me:  “Hmm...” “Hmm” = STFU!!!!!!!! First of all, I am not even the kinda person who fights back when someone says woman are not good drivers blah blah…ya man…we might not be.. Probably because we don’t drive like fools. lawl.  No actually on a serious note, fools are equally distributed in all genders.                                                        -------x------- PS : This friend of mine offered to proof read the post before i post it. Apparently people spell pigeon as pegion when angry.He also found out that the thing about anger that I mentioned in fact has been written by Malcolm Gladwell in his book "blink" that I am currently reading and he said  "Comedy comes out of anger, and interesting comes out of angry ,otherwise there is no conflict" People waiting to enter paataal. This one is my favorite , two guys brawling away to glory in the middle of the road.